Who am I really? 
 
Have you ever looked at someone and immediately admired their confidence?  

They just seem to know who they are. But if you’re honest, a moment of admiration can quickly give way to a flicker of something else: maybe jealousy, or a sense of inadequacy about your own potential.  

You might wonder, why can’t I be that self-assured? 

This common experience points to one of humanity’s most timeless and fundamental questions: “Who am I?” And while it may sound philosophical, research shows that self-knowledge has a profound impact on our emotional and psychological wellbeing. 

In one study, people with a greater degree of self-concept clarity, in other words, people who have an unambiguous and consistent sense of who they are, report a much greater level of life satisfaction, emotional stability, and confidence.  

Nevertheless, the skill to know oneself, however important it is, is one that many individuals find difficult. According to the research done by Tasha Eurich et al, merely 10-15% of the population is self-aware as 95 percent of the population feels they are.  

The gap between who we think we are and who we truly are is where confusion, self-doubt, and lack of confidence often live. The journey to answering it is the key to unlocking the confidence you admire in others. 

Self-Knowledge: The Heart of a Meaningful Life 

“If we judge every fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein (The famous quote is often attributed to Einstein or a similar sentiment.) 

In the Greek myths, the Oracle of Delphi had the words “Know Thyself” inscribed on the walls of its chambers. This is an important truth. So many people live depressed, anxiety-ridden lives that fall short of their potential, not because there is something fundamentally flawed with them, but simply because they lack knowledge of themselves. 

Conversely, some of the most amazing lives we read about throughout history are built upon great self-knowledge. 

• Charles Darwin: Was a famously poor student and dropped out of medicine. His father wanted him to be a clergyman, but in a stroke of inspiration, he found himself aboard the HMS Beagle, which changed the course of history forever. 

• Michael Jordan: Was famously cut from his high school basketball team, which ignited a fire for him to be the best. 

• Vincent van Gogh: Only sold one painting during his entire lifetime. He continued to pursue his art despite the lack of recognition, and his work is now among the most celebrated and expensive in the world. 

Knowledge of self is what gives people the confidence to say no, to say yes, or to press on in the face of immense pressure. The fire from within gives them the direction and the determination to move forward. 

How Do I Learn Who I Am? 

Acquiring self-knowledge is no easy task. Unlike what you might see from many online gurus, coming to terms with who you are isn’t done merely through simple exercises, a couple of meditation sessions, or taking psychedelic substances.  

In fact, Thales of Miletus, an Ancient Greek Philosopher, once said that “the most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.” 

But why is it so difficult? 

There are two main problems to come to terms with: 

1. The Problem of Self-Deception 

“Of all deceivers fear most yourself!” – Søren Kierkegaard 

The myth of Oedipus tells the story of a confident, intelligent man who tries to save the city of Thebes. A plague strikes the city, and the Oracle declares that the plague will end only when the murderer of the prior King Laius is found. 

After months of searching, Oedipus eventually comes to discover the dreadful truth: it was he who killed the previous king, and he had unknowingly married his own mother (the then-widowed queen, Jocasta). 

The central struggle is that the self he is seeking to find is the very one he is desperately trying to avoid. All of his destructive actions were driven by a fate he was trying to desperately outrun. Yet, he was utterly blind to the fact that he was the person he was seeking. 

Modern psychology echoes this struggle that existed in antiquity. In one of the studies, self-deception was found to be a response mechanism to conserve mental energy and shield the ego against unpleasant facts.   

The core lesson is that the truth we seek is not always pleasant; it’s often horrible and difficult to swallow. At some level, we know this and will avoid doing anything to face it. In the story, when Oedipus discovers the truth, he blinds himself and lives out his days in misery. 

2. The Problem of the Dynamic Self (Anattā) 

The second problem is: How do you quantify the self that you are searching for? The short answer, according to some traditions, is that you can’t. 

In the Buddhist teaching of Anattā (No-Self), it states that the self you are searching for does not ultimately exist as a permanent and fixed entity. The Buddhist tradition teaches that what we call the self is ultimately a collection of five ever-changing components: 

• Form (the physical body) 

• Feelings (sensations) 

• Perceptions (recognition) 

• Mental Formations (thoughts, will, habits) 

• Consciousness (awareness) 

This concept is facilitated more in modern psychology than it might appear. A 2023 paper in Mindfulness described the self as a dynamic pattern, a changing network of thoughts, sensations, and memories and not a fixed identity.  

Likewise, in a comparative study that has been published, the concepts of non-self in Buddhism have the similarities of what is known about the self today as a context-dependent and ever-evolving phenomenon.  

The struggle is that the moment you try to grasp one of these things, it changes—it’s like trying to catch water with chopsticks. You cannot pick up and define that permanent and independent “I” from the rest of the ever-changing components that make up you. 

The lesson is that you are not a noun (a static object), but a continuous, dynamic verb in a sea of flux. 

The Process of Self-Knowledge 

The ancient Greek mandate to Know Thyself is a difficult one because we are constantly deceiving ourselves, and the target is always in motion. So let’s address these difficulties: 

1. The Antidote to Self-Deception is Self-Acceptance 

If you avoid certain truths about yourself because you fear what you might find—your “shadow”—then the work is to bring light and acceptance to those truths. (learn more here: Shadow Work Psychology: Embrace Your Inner Enemies) 

As the influential humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers wisely noted: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

True courage isn’t found in a life without flaws, but in the willingness to look at those flaws with compassion. By accepting the whole of who you are, you neutralize the power of your secrets and remove the need for self-deception. 

2. Stop Grasping, Start Observing 

The second principle is that grasping never captures the self. No matter how strong you are, you cannot lift yourself with your hands. The telescope can never examine itself. 

In the same way, you cannot come to terms with yourself by forcing an answer or wrestling your identity into a fixed definition. Often, the answer is found in letting go of the grasping action entirely. 

If you wish to know your true priorities, observe where you consistently spend your time and money. If you wish to know your character, observe what you do when you are afraid. Stop trying to define the self, and simply start observing it in action. 

The Hopeful Truth: 

Confidence is not a fixed personality trait. Rather, it’s the result of a commitment to closing the gap between the person you think you are, and the person you actually are. 

It’s a commitment to the daily practice of self-reflection and self-awareness. 

And the time to begin your journey is now. 

How Integrative Coaching Helps You Discover Who You Truly Are 

The majority believe that they must find themselves somewhere out there – in a change of career, a spiritual retreat, or in a new relationship. However, the thing is that you do not need to discover yourself. You must meet yourself, the you that has been patiently lurking under the mantle of conditioning, fear, and expectation.  

And that is where Integrative Coaching comes in. It is not the act of giving you a new identity or an inspirational speech. It is about showing you what you already have in you, with clarity, honesty, and compassion.  

This is how Integrative Coaching can make you see your true self: 

• Uncovers Hidden Patterns: Integrative Coaching assists you in discovering the beliefs and unconscious patterns that quietly shape your decisions, through deep dialogue and reflective exercises. 

• Bridges the Gap Between Thought and Feeling: A lot of people live in their heads without being attached to their emotions. Integrative Coaching puts you back into touch with both – establishing harmony between intellect and intuition, logic and emotion.  

• Guides You Through Inner Shadow Work: You will know how to embrace the uncomfortable truths and incorporate them rather than evading them.  

• Builds Sustainable Self-Awareness: Integrative Coaching provides you with tools for mindfulness, reflection, and emotional regulation — helping you stay grounded as you continue to evolve. 

• Aligns Purpose With Presence: Integrative Coaching helps you align your inner truth with your outer actions — allowing confidence, authenticity, and fulfillment to arise naturally. 

In a world obsessed with constant doing, Integrative Coaching invites you to pause, reflect, and be. Because when you truly know yourself, everything else — purpose, confidence, and peace — begins to fall into place. 

Coming Home to Yourself 

The search for self isn’t about becoming someone new — it’s about remembering who you’ve always been beneath the noise, expectations, and self-doubt.  

True confidence and fulfillment come not from external validation but from the quiet strength of knowing yourself deeply. Through self-reflection, acceptance, and conscious awareness, you begin to bridge the gap between who you are and who you’re meant to be. 

Integrative Coaching offers a guiding light on this path — helping you move from confusion to clarity, from striving to alignment, and ultimately, from self-questioning to self-knowing. Your journey inward begins the moment you choose it.